I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
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EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
this is uni
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.