chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
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Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.