(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
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Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
groan^2
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.