Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
You Might Also Like
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
🤣🤣💀
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.