[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
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Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day