Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
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If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
I just tested negative for patience.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Stop it! 😂
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies