People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
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Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Geez man, take it easy.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano