I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
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Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
being a writer on Twitter:
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here