[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
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[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs