You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
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Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
See..?
.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”