Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
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Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Hit me in the face with a bird
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Accurate
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Siri, fight Alexa.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”