Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
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#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.