When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
You Might Also Like
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
My love language is hissing.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
sugar glider wrangler
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.