“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
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The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Made something I’m not proud of
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
just witnessed a drug deal
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it