“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
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Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.