My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
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Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
I love the honesty
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.