Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
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My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.