I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
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Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
felt cute might bury dad later idk
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.