[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
You Might Also Like
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
If I ignore life will it go away?
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator