Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
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Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”