Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
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DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Spring cleaning checklist…
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.