I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
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[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Wikigenius
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.