Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
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Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Hank is one in a melon.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.