Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
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My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Geez man, take it easy.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*