Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
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[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
this is so top tier i cant
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%