Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
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Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office