ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
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BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no