Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
You Might Also Like
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.