i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
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So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”