My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
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Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
i would wish you the best but i am the best
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.