Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
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when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.