My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
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FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
My daily affirmation
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.