*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
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I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
mechanics be like
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
My daily affirmation
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.