scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
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I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
What?!?
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.