This why you should mind your business
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I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9