My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
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i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)