My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
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[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.