Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
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Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman