[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
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I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
just make the entire table out of coaster
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*