I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
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My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.