A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
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Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
They did not think through this water fountain
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
thank god the sign was there
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”