A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
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A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
This squirrel eats better than I do
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
I hate everything
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie