I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
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WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Weirdly Wednesday.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.