My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
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Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30