You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
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I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.