While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
You Might Also Like
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Coffee for people with no kids
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Acronyms got me like WTF?