cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
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I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.