Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
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lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.