Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
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Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.