[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
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Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Support your local cemetery
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
#Caturday
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”